How to Lead When You’re Not Okay
There is so much darkness, hatred and hostility in the world right now. It can be difficult enough to find the right emotional balance individually, while still trying to lead effectively and support others.
Collectively, many of us have not been okay recently. Since the Israel-Hamas war began in October, we have been surrounded by immense pain and suffering. In addition, the past year has already been challenging, with: skyrocketing rates of anxiety and depression, rising levels of burnout, economic uncertainty, and increased international conflict, including the Russo-Ukrainian war.
What happens when leaders aren’t okay?
Leaders often show up to lead as best they can, pretending they aren’t being impacted by life or societal hardships. As I’ve shared, emotional labor is one of the requirements of effective leadership, which means to show emotions that do not reflect how you actually feel.
However, we must acknowledge that the disconnect is incredibly draining. When leaders are deeply struggling, it takes an unbelievable amount of energy to lead from a place of hope, inspiration and positivity.
Compartmentalizing, suppressing feelings, or pretending to be okay can be necessary short-term, but doesn’t work long-term.
So, how can leaders lead effectively when they aren’t okay?
Give yourself permission to not be okay.
Leaders are humans too—they are impacted by what’s going on in their lives and in the world. Find time to give yourself the space you need. Take off your superhero cape and be a human being.
The following tools can help you make space for yourself which, as a result, will help you positively cope so you can lead more effectively while struggling.
Support Tools:
1. Self-Compassion and kindness
The first step to help cope is to be compassionate and kind to ourselves.
Beating ourselves up for having a difficult time is what is most harmful to ourselves. Research has shown it is the judgment that causes us suffering. It creates a downward spiral: feeling terrible, judging ourselves for feeling that way, and thinking we are never going to come out of it.
Instead, it’s so important to be our own best friend and love ourselves through these moments. We can extend grace to ourselves. We can allow our difficult emotions to be there, reminding ourselves that this is how we feel in this moment, it’s not our forever.
Practice: The Self-Compassion Break (updated from Kristin Neff)
Take a few minutes for yourself to do this exercise. First, bring the difficult situation to mind and say self-compassionate statements to yourself:
Begin with a moment of mindfulness to acknowledge this is challenging and painful.
Remember our common humanity, that we all struggle and suffer at times.
Last, bring in self-kindness. Ask yourself: what do you need to hear right now to express kindness to yourself?
2. Create Boundaries for Yourself
Determine and set the personal boundaries to care for your full-self. Especially in times of struggle, having the right boundaries matters greatly to your wellbeing. It’s important to uphold them.
There is a line between staying educated on what’s going on in our world versus being overexposed to hateful and hostile information, especially on social media. A boundary I needed to set for myself was to delete social media platforms that were harming my mental health.
Practice:
Notice the impact the information you consume has on your energy and emotional state. Make the necessary changes to limit your exposure to what is negatively affecting your mental health.
Intentionally add in activities and do small things that positively impact your mental health and replenish your energy.
Reflection: What boundary could you set to care for your full-self right now?
3. Give yourself the space to feel painful emotions
Leaders need safe spaces to process their tough feelings.
Many of us have a tendency to use numbing strategies or suppress difficult emotions. The result is emotions staying stuck, creeping up and coming out at inappropriate times. Emotions are energy in motion. They are meant to be felt so they can move through you.
We can create moments of stillness where we have the space to process our feelings instead of avoiding them.
It can be hard to face unpleasant emotions. It can seem easier to stay non-stop busy working or use other numbing strategies. But, the cost of numbing what hurts is high. As Brené Brown states: “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”
Instead, give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel, whatever that is.
Practice: We all have different ways to access our emotions, so it’s important to find what works for you. Ideas to help you process emotions include:
Be aware of what’s physically happening in your body. Name what you are feeling without judgment. Sit with it and allow it to be there: What’s here? What am I feeling?
Journal or write privately to reflect on what you are feeling without holding back
Do physical activities and incorporate movement, such as exercising or going for a walk
Watch a non-related tear-inducing show or movie
Spend more time with people you love where you can go deep
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” ~Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
What we need more of in ourselves, in our communities, and in our world right now is love and humanity.
Yet, our brains are wired for negativity. When we see so much negativity around us in the world, it’s easy for our brains to get consumed by anger and hatred. There is a balance between feeling and processing your feelings without being consumed by them. If it happens, notice and be self-compassionate; remember it’s completely natural.
We can choose to actively work against the negativity bias and find the places of light and love within ourselves and each other.
Reflection Questions:
How can you treat yourself with kindness and love?
How can you find the spaces to be grateful? How can you notice and appreciate the good in your life and in the world?
How do you reach out to people who need support?
Don’t underestimate the power of a hug, a gesture of kindness or sharing love in a moment when people really need it.