Most leaders experience loneliness and isolation. In reality, there is a limit to the level of transparency leaders can display. Leaders can’t be completely open with their colleagues, team, or own leader. At times, top leaders can feel like the weight of the business is on their shoulders.
Unfortunately, loneliness at work drains our energy and worsens our entire work experience, from our well-being to our performance.
One clear solution to overcoming loneliness is relationships. Based on my research, the top approach CEOs use to encourage their well-being is nurturing high quality relationships. However, there is still a significant gap in people being able to create high quality connections in the workplace. Additionally, the increased virtual working environment can feel more isolating with less in-person interactions.
Gallup’s recent research highlights this gap: while Gallup has found it increasingly important to have a best friend at work in recent years since the pandemic, sadly, only about 20% of workers report they do.
A common misperception preventing leaders from fostering more positive relationships in the workplace is thinking that building relationships at work will happen automatically over time.
If you focused on fitness with the frame of mind: “My fitness will improve in time without spending additional effort,” would you meet your fitness goals? It would be unlikely. If you want to improve your fitness, you’ll invest in it.
So then, why do we expect relationships to simply happen?
By applying the same approach to relationships, we can actively build, engage in and optimize relationships. This is called “social fitness,” a term Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz, leaders of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, expand upon in their book The Good Life.
Another misperception is not recognizing the importance of cultivating high quality relationships.
High quality relationships have the greatest impact on our leadership and life, rising above neutral or low quality ones. In the workplace, they are essential for creating a healthy and productive environment, leading to increased well-being, higher work performance and more positive connections.
In life, positive relationships are the most important factor for living a healthy, happy and long life, according to an 85-year longitudinal Harvard study on happiness. It’s profound that this study concluded high quality relationships make the biggest difference for long term fulfillment and well-being. What it speaks to is as human beings, we are wired for connection and love. It’s core to who we are and it matters.
How do you know what relationships are high quality? Start by noticing how you feel after you interact with someone. When you feel energized, you are experiencing a high quality connection—someone who positively energizes you.
Additionally, high quality connections include six elements:
- Mutual trust: each person anticipates the other is going to act in a way that cares for you as a human being
- Engagement: both people are present and engaged
- Positive regard: mutual respect and appreciation for one another
- Emotional capacity: each person has the space to hold space for each other
- Resiliency: we can face different challenges and bounce back and grow from them
- Growth: we can grow stronger in our relationship
Understanding what creates high quality connections is the first step to cultivating them.
How to foster high quality relationships:
1. Assess the relationships around you
Not all relationships are equal. They fall in three broad categories: low, neutral, or high quality. Consider the relationships around you at work. Assess each relationship based on an energy scale to understand which ones are draining versus energizing:
- What relationships give me energy?
- What relationships deplete me?
- What relationships feel neutral?
Reflect on when and why you consistently feel energized, neutral or drained after interacting with each person. Next, assess your relationships based on the six elements of high-quality connections. Most nourishing relationships include all elements.
Reflection: What are your high-quality relationships at work? What about in these three additional categories: family, significant other, friends?
2. Recognize high quality relationships
What did you discover from assessing the relationships around you? Once you build awareness about the high quality relationships already have—the ones that bring you joy and energize you—it’s important to not take them for granted.
How could you appreciate and foster your high quality relationships on an ongoing basis? During the work day, intentionally find opportunities to connect with important work relationships, including: co-work, have a walking meeting or meet for lunch.
Outside of work, make time to connect with positive relationships in your life, such as for a meal, an activity, or a phone call. Say yes to invitations, even if you don’t feel like going.
Reflection: What’s one relationship you want to give attention to? What’s one action you could take to invest in the relationship more?
3. Build more high quality relationships
To build more high quality relationships, spend more time and energy being curious and learning about each other as people and not only about the work that needs to get done. In our day-to-day conversations, we often aren’t fully present or actively listening to others. It’s common to be distracted thinking our own thoughts or formulating a response. Unfortunately, this results in not fully hearing the other person.
Instead, when we actively listen, we are fully present, with true curiosity for the other person. One of the greatest gifts we can give in our relationships is to actively listen so others feel fully seen and heard.
To actively listen, place your energy and curiosity on someone else, focusing on them as much as possible. Ask curious open-ended questions that start with “what” or “how” to evoke deep thinking and personal exploration.
Include one or more of these four types of questions, which build high quality connections:
- Questions that convey genuine interest in the other person
- Questions that infuse positivity
- Questions that offer help and assistance
- Questions that uncover common ground
Reflection: What’s one relationship you want to foster increased active listening?
We don’t have to operate with the belief that leadership is always lonely. You can be close with and care about the people you work with. The rewards are much greater than the risks.
